From Decades of Torment and C-PTSD to Unconditional Grace
Growing Up Amidst Confusion and Conflict
I was raised in the church. My dad is a Christian. He prayed for my salvation my entire life. My mom claims to be a Christian, but her behavior at home doesn’t reflect that. She’s narcissistic, emotionally and verbally abusive, and has a temper. She would road rage and scream at the family on the way to church and then act like a completely different person once we were in service. I remember thinking, “If this is what Christianity looks like, I want nothing to do with it.” I also felt like Christianity was just a set of rules, and I didn’t like rules because my mother was highly controlling. After college, my parents stopped trying to force me into salvation, which helped.
I periodically tried to be a Christian in middle school, but it never lasted more than a couple weeks. Every time I tried to seriously pursue God, the demonic attacks would get much worse. Starting from ~6, whenever I was in church or heard worship music or the name of Jesus, I would feel an intense rage that didn’t feel like my own - it felt demonic. I was literally an elementary schooler sitting in service having murderous hateful thoughts about the pastor. But after I left church property, the thoughts would stop and I would finally have relief from the rage. It was strange because I didn’t inherently hate Christians or even Jesus. I was actually a very sensitive, gentle child normally. It was like something would take over my mind and emotions. In high school, I mocked God to some friends - not out of anger at Him, but because of my frustration with my mother's hypocrisy and control. You may think that it sounds like I was mad at God but I truly wasn’t.
Battling C-PTSD and Severe Mental Illness
I had Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) from abuse for ~20 years, starting sometime between 5 and 9. I have large gaps in my memory. The person who abused me attempted to again when I was 12 and 16. (No, it wasn’t someone from the church). I will not give details about that as I don’t want someone with C-PTSD to stop reading this testimony because of triggers.
My first memory of life was of severe social anxiety when I was 3. At 6, I started self harming and having suicidal thoughts. I was depressed for as long as I can remember. Throughout my childhood, I struggled with severe mental illness - C-PTSD, dissociation, depression, general and social anxiety, OCD, eating disorders, panic attacks, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I’d stare in the mirror for hours every day, and if I looked at my face long enough it would start morphing into a gorilla looking monster. I considered burning my face off with acid because I thought it would make me look better. The only reason I didn’t kill myself was because I knew I’d go to hell.
At the time, I didn’t know that I had C-PTSD. I just thought something was wrong with me. I attempted therapy in college, but 99% of the time I would just cancel the appointments at the last minute, and therapy often triggered episodes that lasted weeks or months. Nothing - medication, therapy, self-help books, exercise, meditation, positive thinking - truly helped. By 24, I stopped therapy because it only made things worse.
Spiritual Warfare and Deepening Despair
Throughout high school, an abusive and narcissistic uncle lived with my family and he targeted me, despite claiming to be a Christian. Once again, I saw the behavior of a so-called Christian behind closed doors and I was highly suspicious of people in the church as a result. He brought paranormal activity into the house. Footsteps, shadows, cold spots, and our dogs would snarl at seemingly nothing. Every night, I could sense demons in my bedroom watching me. I would read Genesis 1 out loud, and it helped - but the next night they’d be back again. My sister could actually see them. My symptoms got significantly worse during that time.
The last 3 years of the C-PTSD, from ages 23-26, were the worst. At 25, someone’s testimony from my parents’ church triggered the worst episode I’ve ever had and the aftermath lasted for months. When I learned that my mother wanted to abandon our family, my suicidal thoughts became the most severe they’d ever been and I developed an alcohol addiction to cope. I watched a video where a therapist said Complex PTSD has no cure. It solidified what I had started to fear. Up to that point, I still had some hope of a better life.
I never doubted that God was real, or that His name was Jesus. Throughout my life I felt like God was knocking on my door, but I ignored Him. Not out of anger, but because I had no idea what to even say. My life was so consumed by trauma that I didn’t even feel like a person. Many times when I’d cry alone or stare into space for hours, I felt a nudge saying “talk to me”. But I’d turn my head to the side, which was my way of telling Him no. I’d periodically talk to God a couple times a year, usually short things like ‘I don’t want to talk to You’, ‘I’m not mad at you’, ‘I’m in so much pain’. Even then, I always had an “inner knowing” that one day I would be His.
Miraculous Healing from C-PTSD
The C-PTSD wreaked havoc on my relationship with my now husband for years. When I was 26, we were constantly fighting with no resolution. Eventually, he said he thought we should break up because he didn’t know what else to do. In that moment, something strange happened. I felt a supernatural peace come over me. Instead of panicking, I suddenly knew everything was going to be okay and I knew exactly what to say. I told him that the reason why things were going so poorly (aside from the C-PTSD) was because God wasn’t the center of our relationship. He later told me it was like a lightbulb went off and he realized that was a big part of the problem. He said he didn’t want to break up, but he wanted to stay together and keep God at the center. I told him (and in that moment I wasn’t just speaking to him, I was talking to God too) that I felt like God had abandoned me, which I had never even admitted to myself. I had never been angry at God for my suffering, and as a child when I heard the story of Job I swore to myself that I would never be angry at God for anything I went through. I didn’t realize it at the time, but that was the moment God delivered me of C-PTSD. A few days later, I wrote in my journal, “I have so many needs that it’s incredibly overwhelming. I can hardly even think of all of them. It’s hard to think of them all at once, or work on them all at once. I know that God can make a way but I find it difficult to believe. I believe that God can part the Red Sea, and turn water to wine, but I really lack faith that He can heal my C-PTSD, or my relationship. I just don’t see a way, and it seems that God is already at work but I have a really hard time believing it.” The supernatural peace that had come over me lasted for weeks. Normally I would have been an anxious wreck after a conversation like that, but I wasn’t. When the peace eventually wore off, I waited for the C-PTSD symptoms to come back, but they never did. For about a year afterward, my mind blocked all traumatic memories. The depression, anxiety, dissociation, uncontrollable intrusive thoughts, and C-PTSD triggers - things I had dealt with for almost 20 years - disappeared in the blink of an eye. I no longer felt like I had a heavy blanket weighing me down all the time.
To this day, I don’t fully understand why Jesus chose to heal me at that moment. I wasn’t a Christian. I didn’t pray. I didn’t believe God would deliver me, and I didn’t even ask Him to. No one had laid hands on me. I didn’t seek out a deliverance minister or healing service. No one who could pray for me knew I had C-PTSD or mental health issues. I ignored God for decades. I turned my face from Him thousands of times. And yet Jesus chased me down and healed me anyway. His love isn’t something we earn. It feels like God was saying, “I haven’t abandoned you - I’ll prove it.”
Surrendering Fully and Breaking Free from Addiction
Even though I was adding God to my life, I was still lukewarm. I listened to worship music and did devotionals for a while. I thanked God for healing me of C-PTSD, but I was still struggling with an alcohol addiction. Our relationship was centered on God for about a month, but eventually I stopped talking to God about my everyday life. Once again, salvation didn’t “stick”, just like all the other times in my childhood, but this time it was because I didn’t want to lose my now husband, who at the time was an idol. I was afraid that if I stopped living in sin I would lose him, which put up a barrier between God and I. Even though I didn’t have C-PTSD anymore, a lot of my behavior still reflected years of psychological and emotional development that I lost. Our relationship once again started going downhill.
When I was 27, my now husband told me that he didn’t know if he wanted to marry me or not anymore because of all the issues in our relationship that still weren’t being resolved. At that moment, a supernatural peace once again overcame me and I decided at that moment that I was done and God would come before everyone in my life. I told God “Okay, you can have him. I give up.” I lived the next week in torment, not knowing if he’d tell me he wanted to break up. After thinking about it for 1-2 weeks, I decided to go all in with God and surrendered fully. For the first time, God wasn’t just someone I believed in. He was the Lord of my life. I knew that if I was going all in with God, that it couldn’t just involve my repentance, but also me trusting God enough to have him remove people from my life that aren’t supposed to be there. I asked God to remove my now husband from my life if he wasn’t my husband. I would let him go if that’s what God wanted. I told my now husband that I wasn’t going to have sex again until I was married and that I wasn’t going to move in with a man that isn’t my husband. I was completely ready to walk away from my now husband and to let him go if he wasn’t what God wanted for me. To my surprise, my now husband told me that he’d had the same thought that he wanted to re-wait to have sex for marriage. He even had a smile on his face when I told him the things that I would no longer be doing. God was at the center of our relationship for good and our relationship finally improved. He became a Christian. The issues we’d had for years finally resolved.
A few months after I became a Christian, I told God that I needed Him to break my alcohol addiction. Before I was saved, I tried to stop drinking a couple times but I always gave up because the withdrawal symptoms were so severe. I’d have anxiety attacks, nausea, vomiting, shaking, sweating, insomnia, agitation, and heart palpitations. This time though, I had God helping me. I went cold turkey and experienced no withdrawal symptoms at all. It was a little difficult to resist, but nothing compared to my past attempts. After three days, the spirit of addiction broke.
I also took authority over the demons in my parent’s home and cast them out. They haven’t returned since.
A Message of Hope and Unfailing Love
I honestly don’t think I would have been capable of becoming a Christian if God hadn’t healed me of C-PTSD first. Jesus knows exactly what we need to come to Him. Looking back now, I realize God has been trying to reach me for years. If you feel like God has abandoned you, or like your life is too broken to be restored, I want you to know that I thought the same thing. But God never left me. Not for a single moment. And He hasn’t left you either. I remember years ago, my parents’ church had a guest speaker who basically spent the entire sermon talking about how God hates sinners. If you’ve ever been exposed to that kind of teaching, I’m telling you that is not true. If God hates sinners so much, why would He chase one down for decades and heal them before they were even His child? If that’s not love, what is?
I forgive the people who hurt me, and I pray for them. My sisters and mother still believe they’re saved but aren’t, but I pray for them and I believe God will save them too.
People often think that simply telling someone “Jesus loves you” will automatically lead them to salvation. But many people are living in deep pain, trauma, and torment. Everyone’s story is different, and Jesus knows exactly what each person needs in order to come to Him. He is merciful and kind.
One day when we stand before God, I believe we’ll see all the ways He was working behind the scenes in our lives that we couldn’t understand while we were living through it.